I wonder to myself [private]

[Grayson Thomas]

of course!

the feeling of phineas pulling away from him tore at gray more than he had thought possible. it was inadvertent callousness that had coloured his words, for truthfully the man did not himself know exactly how he had fallen in with molly. there was not a chance of his ability to explain it to phineas, not with the boy's soul standing so naked and hurt in his ocean eyes.

"i'm sorry," he said miserably, his heart sinking irrevocably into his stomach. don't do anything, phineas, except turn and walk away from this pathetic waste of air and space in front of you.

"phin, i should have told you before i ..." it was on the tip of his tongue to profess his love, but how disgusting and contrived would that sound now? "i don't know what to do either," he said, tears holding fast in his voice as he gazed down into the beautifully twinned oceans of phineas' face.

he hadn't come here to have an affair, to break two hearts, to keep the one he loved playing second fiddle to the one he did not. grayson clung to the fact that he had been honest with phineas, but the misery that swept over him did not do anything to improve his sense of honesty.

[phineas doe]

As surreal and magical as it had been, Grayson kissing him had been perhaps the best thing he'd ever felt in his entire life, and... it was followed up by this. A dark feeling, and it got darker. He wished Gray had said something before he'd kissed Phineas – now that kiss felt like a sin, an evil, a betrayal of not one but three people. And a part of him wished that Grayson had never turned up at all.

Indeed, this had all happened so quickly that perhaps this was all a dream. A dream turning into a nightmare.

For he could barely stand Gray's next words and the way he said them. “i don't know what to do either”. But Grayson was the adult! Phineas was only 18 years old. He wanted someone to care for him, to look after him, to tell him what to do when he was at a loss. Every couple needed someone like that. But this couple was lacking one.

And it got even worse. For the words Gray said were paired with a pained, tearful tone. The very distant hint of teenage cruelty in the boy's broken heart flared up and he felt himself resenting how the man was behaving – was Gray a little girl?!

The man of his dreams had always been Grayson, but the man of his dreams wasn't on the edge of being a blubbering, clueless mess. Phineas simply looked up at him, such a complex weave of pain and anger and disappointment and resentment and confusion and regret and love in him that he couldn't say a single word.

[Grayson Thomas]

had you asked gray why exactly he had retreated so, he would not have been able to explain. it was as if at the core of him, the repression he had tortured himself with for all his life had taken hold, creating for itself an ugly throne.

now, confronted with the enormity of what he had done to molly, and what he would have done to phineas, had not his sanity drawn him back from hurting the boy who stood so silently and hurt before him, grayson fought upward through this thick and churning sea.

"i need to talk to mol -- to her," he said simply, not wanting her name to fall from his unworthy lips. the tears had disappeared from his voice and he felt control setting in once more, obscuring the painful center of him for the time being.

gray still didn't understand what was in him that had so weakened, to the point where molly had slipped into his life. but if he never saw phineas again, if he flew back to his home and was divorced and moved into the forested heart of the country in seclusion, he would fix this godawful mistake. he would try to end the pain in phineas' eyes, for the youth he would love with all of his heart.

"i don't expect you to forgive me," he said, words leaden, as he stepped back, eyes still trained with his own dark pain on the boy's face, "but please know my intention was never to hurt you."

[phineas doe]

This was all too much for Phineas, who had a rather delicate temperament. It taxed both his heart and his mind – though the former certainly had dominance over the latter. It was as if he didn't have the ethical compass or emotional maturity to untangle all this complexity and reach something of an answer.

This was one of the reasons why he resented Grayson right now. Choked up and helpless, hopeless, with no idea what to do – that didn't sound like an adult to Phineas. He'd always thought of Gray as a superhero. For he had, in many ways, saved him. And although he managed to control the tears in his voice, he still wasn't speaking grown-up. He didn't give any answers.

A dark, angry side of Phineas wished that Gray wasn't a good and decent person – that he'd never pulled away from Phineas, and that kiss had gone on forever. Perhaps they would have ventured deeper into the forest. Perhaps even made love. Perhaps it would've been the best moment of Phineas's life.

Instead of one of the worst.

He said he needed to talk to “mol”-something. That being his wife. His wife. The very idea of it hurt Phineas's chest so much that he wasn't sure he could stand in much longer. He muttered in the smallest voice imaginable: “I want to be with you”. And he wanted Grayson to be with him; not with that... that wife.

And more than that, he wanted Gray to fix this, and be manly and strong and confident, not wimpy and emotional and indecisive, and make everything better, and make it as it should be. He wanted Gray to be magic.

[Grayson Thomas]

it took a great deal of self-control not to reach out and pull phineas into him. as the thoughts ran in the boy's head, so did they in grayson's own -- had there been enough malice in him, he would have simply taken phineas first and admitted to his situation later. yet he knew he could do no such thing to phineas, the gossamer boy he should have saved his heart for.

strength had not returned to his soul, not yet, weakened as it was by the pain in phineas' face, the soft cadence of his own words. "and i want to be with you, phineas. but i fucked up, and i have to take care of things." but that was the understatement of the century; he'd fucked up royally, brought agony to the one he loved, and would now bring that same pain to molly, poor, goodhearted, kind molly, who so wanted children. why had he done this? why had he allowed himself to break down in such a vastly important way? what was the root of this despair? these were the questions gray desperately wanted answers to, desperately wanted to share with phineas.

but he couldn't, not with molly between them, not with what grayson had done between them. not with that kiss still lingering on his lips between them, undermined as it was by his subsequent betrayal. he knew that if it had gone on, it would have ended in a worse way. this way, he still had a chance to fix things.

maybe.

"i'm going to tell her what i should have before, about us, about what i feel for you."

he couldn't just stand there staring down at phineas anymore. "when i fix things, phineas, i'd like -- i want -- i need -- to see you again," and this time his voice tremoured with the edge of affection. molly would understand. she would have to understand.

[phineas doe]

He felt lost. But it wasn't just that he felt it – he knew it. Phineas Doe was lost, well and truly. His young mind was capable of quick thoughts and great articulation, but, befuddled by emotion, it was hazy and indistinct. He didn't know how to control emotions, or how they related to his mind. In his experience, there was absolutely no connection between emotion and logic whatsoever.

Both sides were to blame for their parting ways some months ago. Phineas because he was shy and sensitive, and traumatised and difficult to understand. And Grayson because he was a gentleman, who didn't want to take advantage of a young man over ten years his junior. Not only that, but Gray's family evidently had issues with his sexuality. And Gray, alas, had fallen victim to them. A wife. A wife. The very idea of Grayson with someone else – anyone else – made Phineas's throat ache.

A shiver of admiration ran through his form when the dark-haired American took control and formulated a plan there and then; something that Phineas was very far from capable of. And as he looked at the handsome, gentle, powerful man, the memory of his kiss still tantalising on his lips, something fierce within Phineas wanted to agree with Gray's plan and nod and say yes, get rid of her and then come back to me.

But the dominant side of Phineas, no matter how addled, was nowhere near this selfish. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but hesitated. The sun shone in his angelic face, but he ignored it. He didn't know how to word what he wanted to say, so with an uncertain hand took one of Grayson's in both of his own. The brown-eyed traveller's hand was darker and stronger and larger and older than Phineas's, which were much fairer. He looked up into those impossibly irresistible eyes, and said quietly: “you're married. A wife is more important than a... than a... w-we haven't done anything wrong. Not truly.”

[Grayson Thomas]

an hour ago, grayson would have quelled at the thought of telling molly it was over. as misbegotten as it was, he had enjoyed the affections granted to him by his parents, but he realized the un-masculinity of this as phineas took his hand and spoke.

this was worth his own selfishness, for perhaps he could mend things this way. by ending the oddity, the travesty he could not honestly call a marriage, he would free molly and erase the pain from phineas' eyes. many would call this a sleazeball thing to do, but grayson didn't care anymore.

"no, we haven't done anything wrong." nothing between them could possibly be wrong. and he had been wrong to marry molly, to perhaps ruin the best years of her life with his inability to love her. while her heart would be broken, the man clung to the idea that she would one day understand.

phineas' heart was too gentle and kind to uphold the sort of selfishness that grayson was now entertaining. grayson covered phineas' lovely, tapered fingers with his other hand, looking down at the play of tanned skin against delicate ivory.

"i need to go now, phineas." i need to sort things out, need to decide if he was really going to go through with this. his dark eyes sought the beautiful planes of the boy's face, the expressive gaze. he lowered his lips to brush the porcelain back of phineas' hand, the touch lingering but for a moment. grayson wanted to ask then to stay in touch, where he could contact the boy, but he knew that would only sound pathetic and desperate.

he held the youth's eyes for a moment and managed a small smile, one filled with resignation -- and the briefest amount of hope.

[phineas doe]

He was certainly angry at this situation; angry at how Grayson had disappeared, and at how he'd gone off and found someone else when Phineas had thought there had been something so powerful between them. And angry now at how this could effect more than just the two of them. It could ruin more than one life.

But all that anger was extinguished immediately when Gray said he had to leave. Phin was about ready to crumple at the man's feet and beg him to stay. He couldn't stand having him walk away again – because what if he never came back again, just like last time?

The tall Southerner touched his lips lightly to Phineas's hand – and the boy found himself wildly in love.

“Go? Where? Why?” he stammered in a feathered voice, and feeling as weak as he had a year ago he pressed himself into Grayson's chest, holding the man's shirt with both hands and gazing imploringly up into his dark eyes. Don't go. Not again.

[Grayson Thomas]

grayson had not the faintest idea what he was going to say to molly, how he would explain that their marriage was a sham and that he didn't love her. surely she knew his heart was not hers -- she was not a foolish woman -- but he knew the full admission of such a thing would hurt her heart immensely.

but phineas, phineas held his heart. every beat of it longed for the boy, and as he felt the pull of his shirt across his chest, held helplessly by the boy's pale hands, his gaze ensnared by the innocent pleading of the twin oceans that looked up at him, he felt his resolve weaken considerably.

his mouth began to form words that had no strength, that would only crumble beneath the azure intensity of phineas' eyes, and then he surrendered, fully, selfishly. his hands crushed the boy to him even as his mouth descended hungrily upon the soft mouth, tasting it once more. one roughened hand moved to cup the back of phineas' head as he kissed the boy possesively.

'you don't know what you do to me,' grayson rumbled hoarsely into the shell-curve of phineas' ear, lips moving against the gossamer locks of hair that framed the sides of the youth's face. the man did not pause in his exploration; he swept his mouth down the proud arch of his companion's throat, breathing in the scent of the one his heart so loved.

grayson did not pull away, but fought for control of himself. running one hand along the taut stomach pressed against his own, the man leant back slightly, eyes that had darkened with pleasure seeking phineas' own for a moment.

[phineas doe]

Once again, all thought was banished from his mind. All he could do was feel. He could feel Grayson's glorious brown eyes reaching down into his very soul, he could feel those powerful hands holding him close, and then he could feel the man kissing him hungrily with more passion than he thought possible.

There was a roughness about this passion, and Phineas felt the growl against his throat reverberate through his entire body. He was in love. And he had never felt so turned on in his entire life.

The boy couldn't even articulate a reply to Gray's oh-so-true words. Phineas's slim hands prowled over the American's muscular chest, remembering how it had felt all those months ago when there'd been no cloth between that chest and his (albeit accidental) touch, and when his fingers reached each side of Grayson's jaw he kissed him deeply, throwing his arms around his neck and utterly unable to resist a soft moan of pleasure.

He didn't think. He couldn't think. The only ones who existed in this world were Grayson and Phineas.

[Grayson Thomas]

slight pp <3

phineas moaned, a sound of innocence riven with passion, a sound that fired grayson more hotly than before. bringing his mouth down to the boy's again for a moment, he pulled away and took one delicate hand into his own. turning, he drew phineas after him deeper into the forest, down a small rise rounded with thick foliage and tree-boles grouped tightly together. in his haste, he lost his sandals.

he smiled, for the loam and moss were soft beneath his bare feet, and brought phineas back into the circle of his strong arms. his eyes were dark with passion as he kissed the youth again, deeply. his hands roamed beneath the t-shirt, stroking softly the smooth flesh there. his fingers slipped around to the boy's chest, and he ran his palms down the taut belly there.

stepping back for a brief moment, grayson hesitated only a second before pulling his own shirt over his head. he was not self-conscious of his physicality, but he did not preen. he watched the boy for a moment, somehow nervous.

grayson did not speak, merely reached out for phineas again. the feeling of the youth's body against his own had satisfied and healed something within the tall Midwesterner he had not known was broken until this moment.

[phineas doe]

Phineas simply would not have been able to handle it had Grayson really turned and left; he could hardly stand it when Gray stopped kissing him. But it was to take his hand and lead him from the woodland path, deeper into the island paradise, off the trodden track where nobody would be. Had he been in his right mind at this moment, Phineas would have wondered how much of this woodland was even mapped.

Then they stopped, and Grayson wasted no time in taking Phineas, his Phineas, into his arms again.

This wasn't just heaven -- this was well beyond his wildest dreams. He had thought of this moment with Grayson again and again, but thinking about it now he realised how absurd he had been to even attempt to fathom how good it would feel to have Gray kiss him in this way, and the powerful, tanned hands roam beneath his shirt in hungry exploration.

Then the dark-haired travelled pulled his shirt up over his head to reveal that gorgeous, long trim torso that Phineas remembered from the beach all those months ago, and without even knowing what he was doing he grabbed Grayson by the belt buckle and pulled himself forward, blonde head tilted upwards to press his passionate mouth against Gray's, his slim hand travelling down Grayson's chest, and his appetite suddenly serious and insatiable.

[Grayson Thomas]

the husband is blaring guns N roses; not very conducive for a romantic post, but i tried! lol <3

the sound came unbidden from his throat again as phineas pressed himself with equal hunger against grayson's bare chest. roughed hands slid across the boy's back, his hips, and then gray dipped his head slowly, moving from phineas' throat to the flat muscles of his marble chest. his hands at the small of the boy's back, grayson made an exploratory venture to one soft nipple, bending his knees as he was taller than the youth.

he laved softly around the small peak of flesh, and then fell to his knees before the boy. hands cupped the small bottom, slipping down the backs of phineas' thighs as grayson kissed a slow trail along the tight belly, down to the beltline of the boy's pants.

he paused to look up at his lover, dark eyes glimmering with a thousand emotions. his lips curved into a gentle smile and he reached up to take the boy's hands, drawing him down slowly to the grass beneath their feet.

[phineas doe]

OOC: lol bad hubbie. Does he not understand the dire need for hawt Gray-Phin romance?!

IC: It was such contradictory passion Phineas was feeling – for Grayson kissing him was the best he'd ever been made to feel in his life, and he felt breathless disappointment every time Gray's lips moved away from his. But at the same time, he was learning more and more that this didn't mean Gray wanted to end the pleasure. On the contrary, it meant he wanted to take his mouth to other places. To the boy's fair, hairless chest, whose t-shirt had been pulled up over his head and thrown aside, leaving his platinum hair dishevelled and his lips parted, his breath caught deliciously in his throat as Grayson continued to kiss his flawless skin.

He was dimly aware that the dark-eyed man had given in entirely; he wasn't holding back at all. The way he touched Phineas, and how he touched Phineas, told him this entirely, and the youth was far from complaining. On the contrary, he didn't even object slightly as Gray pulled him down to the grass. Gray was smiling, but Phineas could not. He didn't find this scenario friendly or warm or companionable – he simply found it... hot. More sensual than he had ever imagined anything to be.

The English lad found himself pulled down onto Grayson's lap, and although he could have looked into those brown eyes forever, he found he couldn't hesitate for a second – he kissed that handsome face deeply once more, and his slim hands automatically roamed to Gray's chest again, trailing downwards over the hard muscle. But this time the didn't stop, and one hand edged to the front of the American's swarthy jeans; for Phineas, too, had given in to whatever they wanted.

[Grayson Thomas]

lmao, no, he does not. <3

grayson smiled because he could not help himself -- all the dreams and angst and stifled love which he had held back, held inside himself, now surged to the fore in a collision of joy and desire. phineas slipped down gracefully, and the older man felt the pressure of one delicate hand as he returned the sensation of phineas' lips. he shifted his hips as the boy's fingers came to rest upon the front of his jeans.

the touches, the soft touches -- they were beginning to drive him mad. he prolonged this for the both of them, but the feel of phineas' hand against the hardness that swelled against his pants had centralized his arousal.

he was rough with his kisses now, lacing his fingers into the silken tresses and pulling phineas' head back somewhat to run his lips across the pulse there, breathe in the scent of the boy's skin. grayson shifted then, settling phineas on the grass as his own hands worked at his belt.

he slipped easily out of his pants and left them behind as he moved onto hands and knees. his mouth found phineas' own; he lingered there before running lips and hands down the boy's body. fingers slipped into the waistband of phineas own pants.